So here I sit today. Not able to do the workouts I want to, due to my limitations, needing to lose another 40 pounds, and trying to wrap my brain around what I can do to make this happen. Knowing that I needed to start back at the beginning of my journey I decided to go on a 30 day sugar fast. The first time I did this was when I first started 2 years ago. I lost 15 pounds that first month. Well obviously if it worked then with such terrific results then it should work now right? What I did not expect was the internal dialogue that I would have to face and deal with.
You see I am not the same person I was 2 years. I have learned so much about food and have made so many healthy changes to my food consumption that there really isn't any "bad" food involved. But you see I am just like everyone else in the world that is trying to lose weight. I get these moments of desperation where I feel so disgusted with how slow things are moving that I feel like I need to make a big change to get me jump started. All rational thoughts of my reality and limitations just fly out the window. Everything that I have learned and believed, everything that I have manged to accomplish, just doesn't seem to matter in those moments of desperation. I analyze everything I have eaten over the past week and berate and belittle myself for not caring enough about my end goal. After all if I really wanted to lose weight then I would not have had the second helping of food or the bowl of ice cream. I am amazed at how cruel and degrading I can be to myself. I would never dream of saying the things that I say to myself to another person. Then why is it all right for me to talk to myself like this? Why am I so negative and hard on myself in these moments of desperation? I think it all comes down to a lie that I have always believed about myself. I am not good enough. If I don't have the perfect body or the perfect hair and clothes then I am not good enough. If I don't eat all the right food in the right amounts then I am not good enough. If I don't do crazy and intense workouts then I am not good enough. But what if I stop believing this lie? What if I look at where I was 2 years ago and compare it to where I am now?
I was 260 pounds, had no energy, and was just getting through life not really living it. I am not that woman anymore. I have grown in so many ways that the woman from back then is not even recognizable to me. I have come a very long way. That is why I call this my journey to better health. This is not a sprint for me. This is a life long journey of learning and trying new things. Some of it will work and some of it won't but that should not dictate how I see myself.
Back to this 30 day sugar fast. This was a decision that was made out of desperation so the question then becomes should even continue to do this? I realized that this was all part of my past dieters mentality. So I went out and bought some ice cream. I had every intention of having a bowl and not feeling any remorse about it. I would love to say that is what happened but it is not. I scooped myself out a bowl and was about to put it in my mouth when...yup you guessed it..that dang internal dialogue kicked. I had come so far on this fast could I really not do two more weeks. Was having that bowl of ice cream worth sabotaging all the detoxing of sugar my body had already accomplished? I actually gagged looking at the spoon and could not put it in mouth. I have made the decision that I will finish the fast out to the full 30 days. I mean it is not like it is harming my body in anyway. This whole experience has shown me that I still have a long way to go in correcting my internal talk.
How am I going to respond the next time I have a moment of desperation and get all frustrated about my progress? I guess I really do need to keep looking at how far I have come in the past 2 years. I need to be realistic about what I can and cannot do now. And I also need to realize that allowing a small occasional treat is not going to ruin all my progress. It is like the amazing Jillian Michaels says that if you eat right 80% of the time and splurge the other 20% your still going to see some positive results. I know for me I could never allow myself that 20% option but 1 treat a week isn't going to destroy everything. I hope. Guess I still need to work on that internal dialogue some more. I am still a work in progress still striving to be the best me I can be.
